"The `Rents"

"Do your chores."

"You'll spoil your dinner."

"Eat your vegetables."

"When you're older."

"You're grounded!"

I've never been grounded, but that doesn't make the prospect any less scary.

There are some forces that I can imagine even the most twisted supervillain has to buckle under to at some point in their careers. The kingpin to even the most seemingly powerful person. And we all know them - they're not some underground force that no one knows or sees. Nope.

The parents.

And where would we be without them? Without them to guide us when we go wrong, to back us up, to stand behind us and support us. We would probably end up as a bunch of crazies, wouldn't we? Yes. We would.

In fact, the world would probably be a mad, raving pool of psychopaths. People of every generation, old or young, would be running amuck, "frolicking" and causing "ruckus" and behaving horribly for no particular reason other than,

"Hey, who's gonna stop me?"

Yeah.

Your friendly neighborhood Spiderman grew up with his aunt and uncle, but if he hadn't had at least those first few years of parental wisdom, picture the chaos he could cause.

So next time you're sitting in your room with your fake ID confiscated and two weeks of no video games ahead of you, wallowing in self pity, think about that.

- your most erratic hero

"And Popping In To Say...Feature-Lenth?"

Just watched a fantastic short film.

There are just some things that are exciting about short films. Or any film. I've only written two or three (one which is in the works, enter obnoxious chuckle) scripts, but probably one of the most awesome things I could do is write a feature length. That would great.

Why?

Duh.

The whole fame and fortune thing would definitely come in handy. Why? The fame and fortune part. And I'm sure writing a screenplay won't be too hard. Right?

Back me up on this, Ego.

- your most erratic hero

"And Popping In To Say..."

Thinking of my colleague Spider-man and wondering why I'm not getting his level of recognition. Watching The Voice, and wondering why I haven't invested into being a singer instead of a kid superhero with a failing career in world-butt-saving.

Come. On.

- your most erratic hero

"A Little Rant About...School"

School.

I do like to learn. Learning is fun. Yeah. But it's certain subjects that make the whole school experience fall flat for me.

One of those subjects being math. I don't like fractions, long division, or almost all math subjects - don't even get me started on algebra. And the worst part is, I'm stuck with them. And why? For what? It's not like I'm ever going to be in a situation that calls for extreme mental math. I'm just a kid. I'm not even allowed to watch the eating scenes in Jurassic Park, so why am I forced to do all these tricky things with numbers that I don't have a hope of understanding?

It's just not fair.

I don't like science either. To much science stuff. Plants, earth, blah, blah, blah. I don't really care.

Superman isn't all that bright, but he can save the world, can't he?

- your most erratic hero

"Life As A Hero: Spidey Villains"

I have all respect for the Green Goblin.

In fact, the Goblin is so spectacular that words probably can't do him any justice. I'm sure my friend Peter Parker would disagree, though.

One aspect I love about our little green goblin is his insanity. All good villains, in my mind, have a little bit of it. Sephiroth, Aggregor, and of course we can't forget the Joker. But the Goblin can often only focus on one thing: killing Spiderman.

If you know nothing about Spiderman but want to get into it sometime, I won't spoil his ending(s) for you. Not that he has an ending. But if he did, which he possibly does, I won't spoil it. All I have to say is that I love the dynamic between Spidey/Peter and the Goblin/Harry. It adds good depth.

However, I have to say that maybe he's not my absolute favorite villain in Spideyland. He's actually tied with Kraven the Hunter. And I don't think I can put into words why I love Kraven so much either. Everything about his story is intriguing to me, and surely you can't deny me that, right?

First of all, Kraven's epicness. The supreme strength, the power, and even the brains (kind of) behind his heinous plots. And the whole hugely imposing figure thing helps too. And he's tragic. I won't say why, exactly, because, again, I don't wait to spoil it, but once you get around to dipping into the deep, dark world of Spideyland, you'll see why.

Actually...I think we might have a three-way tie here. The third being Fancy Dan. I first decided that he was among my favorite villains - characters, even - when I read The Ballad of Fancy Dan in Untold Tales of Spiderman by Stan Lee. It delved into Dan's character like you wouldn't believe (well, to me, anyway), and left me wanting to read more about our little gangster.

As for the other villains, they're all awesome as well (I've never been the kind to just like the superheros and dislike the villains, because what's a superhero without enemies? I should know). But these three make up my list of my three favorite Spiderman villains.

And here I am talking about them like I don't even know them on a personal level. Hm.

- your most erratic hero

"A Little Rant About...Writing"

Writing can be a very superficial practice.

The hardest part for me these days is getting into the characters' heads. Of course, with telekinetic ability, I might be able to zone into the minds of utter strangers and steal their life stories from the safety of their own brains, but that just wouldn't seem right. My parents probably wouldn't like that.

I'll bet you didn't know I was a writer.

Well, I am. What else is a Home-schooler supposed to do in their free time when not saving the world and indulging in utter stupidity? I'm just a kid, after all - it's not like I can actually be out doing cool stuff like other kids, with my social seclusion in the Home-schooled world. Not that saving all of your butts isn't cool and all, but still.

And another problem is that I have trouble creating a plot. Not a plot like an evil villain (even though all the money is in world dominance these days). Plot like how I want to start, where the story is going to go, and what to put in it. It's getting increasingly harder. Poetry is a lot easier, to a point, because I don't have to worry about all that. But all my poems turn out depressing and I'm running out of tragic circumstances.

Hm.

Ironic.

- your most erratic hero

"When Not Saving The World..."

Weekends, weekends. How I love the weekends.

And, to add to my delight, I just found out that there is a new deluxe version of Whizz Words, one of my favorite computer games of all time. I'm playing it right now, but I'm restarting because I got dealt a bunch of letters that only got me a score of 80 in the 4-letter words category, and I'm going for 100 on all categories.

In case you're wondering how this might be a ploy in  plot to save the world as we know it from impending doom...it's not.

Until I'm finished this game, and this batch of cookies, save your own world, mortals.

- your most erratic hero

"A Little Rant...About the Internet"

Anyone who has ever plugged that little cable into their computer should know that the Internet can be a very intimidating place.

And yet sometimes, even when they're face-to-face with it, some people just don't understand. For instance, since you're reading this, how did you even stumble upon this blog? Did you click a link? Did you hear of it from a friend (or so I would like to think)? Were you surfing through blogs and decided to check this one out? Yes...hm. All very dangerous. However, pretty much every time we're on the Internet, half the thrill is the risk-taking, but still.

I can't just smack my Ultimatrix and save you from Internet danger every second of the day, you know. If I did have one (which I just might), I wouldn't wear it all the time, and awkward moments could occur.

And not that there's something wrong with my blog. I'm just setting an example. Anyway, what I'm really trying to say here is that people should be more careful. A lot more careful. If you wouldn't say it/do it in real life, don't do it on the Internet.

Not to mention, some people don't understand that when you play a video game online, it's still on the Internet. If you wouldn't give out personal information online, you shouldn't give it out in a game. And you shouldn't let your psychotic kids run amuck for hours unsupervised.

Yeah. That last one was directed at you, Mr. Maniacal Twelve-Or-So-Year-Old From Little Big Planet 2 Who Called Me Hideous Names Last Night For No Particular Reason.

Hm.

....Well. Just watch out for Internet safety, stranger danger, and all that good stuff, and if you ever encounter the player listed above, drop a bomb on the head of that little twerp.

- your most erratic hero
    (who now prepares to seek revenge...)

"6 Things That Occur In Videos"

1. The Buddy Laugh

Most commonly, that scary guy who is holding the camera who breaks out in a loud, obnoxious guffaw at random times during a video that may or may not even be funny.

2. The Perfect Example

That person in the background, commonly off-camera, coaxing the main subject(s) of the video to do something stupid. Can also supply the Buddy Laugh.

3. The Faces

Usually when doing a web show, some or all of the people in the video must make odd faces in some sort of comic relief, even if the whole web show is supposed to be funny. Some faces come in the form of the Duck Face (see:"6 Stupid Things People Do In Pictures") or faces similar, such as bugging out eyes, crossing eyes, or sticking out tongue at random intermissions.

4. The Nervous Laugh

Commonly done by anyone in the video, on or off-camera, sometimes when something that someone isn't supposed to be doing is being filmed (ex. jumping off roof into waiting pool below), or, during web shows or videos in similar fashion, when the video's subjects realize that their humor is stale and try to encourage watchers to laugh with them. Similar to the Buddy Laugh - can be more or less obnoxious, depending on the video.

5. The Pets

This is when an animal (cat, dog, etc.) randomly walks by in the background. Commonly cats or small dogs who seemingly appear out of nowhere. Can also be noises off-camera (barking from another room, etc.)

6. "Bigfoot Returns"

When the camera-holder does everything in their power not to keep the camera still for unknown reasons. Most horrible when shooting with a low-resolution camera, or a cell phone with horrid quality. Videos most often have interesting titles, and angry commenters who all protest one thing: that they didn't actually see what happened in this oh-so-interesting video.

"Mail Diaries: Anthill"

Mail, mail, mail.

This morning, I walked out to put some stuff in the mailbox. Routine work. I went out, I came back. I sat down with my computer to blog this. Simple enough, simple enough. No reason to put to use my Osmosian skills again, or so I thought.

And here's what could have happened, shouldn't have happened, and maybe (maybe) did happen.

"Treat little people with respect!" is what I always say, being rather short myself. Unfortunately, I accidentally disobeyed my own rule. On the way back, I noticed that massive ant hill beneath the little tree in the front yard. Here I thought it was empty, antless, long-since evacuated (perhaps thanks to me and my tenancy to step on them). But it was there, and so was I, and it looked like such a perfect little opportunity.

So I stepped on it.

And I would have carried on about my business until the low, angry buzz of little voices reached my ears. It was familiar. Too familiar, to be honest. And then I realized exactly what it was I had possibly done, and most people probably would have run far, far away. Of course, I didn't.

To anyone familiar with the likes of Henry Pym, you'll know what alias he sometimes is in his free time. Ant-Man. And maybe, just maybe, I had destroyed his lab.

Not something to brag about. I know. But it's not wise to step in a live anthill. Partners in stopping crime or not, Ant Man got his comeuppance.

- your most erratic hero

(Fun Fact: Henry Pym has six aliases, including the Wasp. Not a good idea to take down any wasp nests without back-up.)

"Watch Out For RE:AL.ITY"

If I wasn't (possibly) your friendly neighborhood shape-shifter/Osmosian/superhero, do you know what I would want to be? A writer. Or a director. Or both, even. And I actually do want to do that, even if saving the world is possibly my main priority (you never know).

Recently, I, your most erratic hero, and your most erratic hero's side-kick (the Robin to my Batman, aka, my brother) are working on a very important project. Maybe more important than that horrible thing that you didn't know almost could have happened to you this morning that maybe I prevented. Far more important, perhaps.

It's a short film, five minutes or less. I had written a little practice script targeting the after-affects of cyber-bullying ("Tyler"), and my brother thought that we could  make it into our first official short film, since the werewolf masterpiece we had plotted for days before combusted and was back-burnered. So we stayed up that night at his multi-million dollar condo on the beach in an undisclosed location and concocted the new script, and there it was.

You see, we Home-schoolers do have a lot of our time on our hands, so why not make a short film?

Keep an eye out for RE:AL.ITY.

- your most erratic hero

"Flaring Up Your Coulrophobia"

I'm sure a lot of us agree on this - older kids shows were a lot more entertaining than today's. Better sets, better characters, better values, less annoying animated characters who speak to the camera and repeat the ABCs every episode. Better music. And here's another reason:

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

The Big Comfy Couch? Surely you've seen it. No? Shame, shame. Oh, well. You will now. All you have to do is type "Major Bedhead" into your search bar and it should pop right up. And, as you watch the video, yes, this is a kiddie show. Please don't let the popping and locking and perhaps inappropriate shaking fool you.

But now that we're older and more perverse, let's have a little fun with this.

Your most erratic hero has recently discovered something very funny. Open a new tab and look up a little song entitled Sexy and I Know It. Go back to the clown video, mute it. Overlay the song with the funny clown video and there you have probably one of the most disturbing things you'll see all day.

Experiment. Have fun with it. Mix and match other songs. I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt? Go ahead. And once you're all done putting dancing clowns to horrid songs, discover how dirty you feel singing the Liar, Liar song.

You're welcome.

- your most erratic hero

"6 Very Stupid Things That People Do In Pictures"

1. The Duck Face

This I'm not sure of. Out of all silly faces to make when taking a photo of yourself, why this? And to any of you fortunate to have not encountered the Duck Face, it's where you push your lips out and bug out your eyes like a duck. A choking duck, about to spew out the frog it accidentally swallowed.

2. Peace!

Doing the peace sign for no particular reason, most commonly while pushing out your lips in similar fashion to the Duck Face and leaning toward the camera.

3. "Oops, My Eyes Are Up Here"

First, extend the arm with the camera above your head and look up toward it, usually cocking your head in such a quirky way (see: Sky High). In this variation, most likely wearing something revealing with the camera very strategically aimed. Oops. A lot of the times, the camera holder is smiling hugely and perversely, but sometimes affects look of shock that clearly reads "you're not supposed to see this, but my hand hit the shutter button and posted this pic itself".

4. Sky High

Very similar to the Oops, My Eyes Are Up Here. Hold the camera up, smile, quirk head. Also known as the Myspace Pose.

5. Ye-auh, I So Random, PICKLE!

You'll probably need the following items:
- a funny hat
- a crazy friend
- something weird to hold up to the camera
- someone to take the picture for you

Most commonly occurs when someone is trying to make a picture seem spontaneous. You and your friend will wear funny hats, hold up something like your favorite Pikachu doll, make stupid faces (cross your eyes too much and eventually they won't uncross...), and have another friend take the picture for you.

6. Glamor Shot

In this one, you should probably just sit there in front of the camera, turn your head toward your shoulder, and pucker your lips, but not so much as you would in the Duck Face. Apparently, people who do this believe it to be seductive. Desperate when done by girls, very disturbing when done by guys.

"Home-Schoolers: Species 8,700,001"

The best part about being home-schooled is that I can blog when most of you out there can't.

I guess a majority of all of you aren't reading this, though, because you're most likely on your way to, what, your second class? Nothing personal, but it's barely mid-morning and I have all my homework done already. I'm a free sailor now. And you can argue that us Home-schoolers don't have homework, but we do. Home + school work = homework.

Contrary to popular belief, not all of us sit around the kitchen table and sing songs. We are capable of mathematics.

And the next best thing about being home-schooled is... Wait, never mind. I was just interrupted to go fold the laundry, and here I was going to say the next best thing about home-schooling is getting to be at home all day. But I do appreciate the social seclusion.

I'm sure there are lots of misconceptions about Home-schoolers. For instance, how you make fun of us for sitting around on our fat butts all day on our computers. Do we? Well, if we have nothing better to do. But in all of our spare time, what if we're out saving the world? Ending world hunger? I'm sure that it never occurred to you that maybe the Joker really does exist and that Batman is the urban legend, and you just never notice because it's us Home-schoolers keeping the danger at bay.

Just something to think about on the way to your next classroom.

- your most erratic hero

"Mail Diaries: Soccer Mom"

Went out and got the mail today, which is a lot harder than it seems.

Just to go and get the mail every day, it's roughly sixty feet of uneven lawn just to get to the box. Sixty. Feet. Roughly one hundred and twenty feet total, there and back.

A day.

Psh - and I need more exercise? If I was permitted to be lazy, I'd get myself a Segway.

Of course, the alternative to making that long haul just to find that the mailman stuffed our box full of junk mail was a lot more fun. And adding some extra mileage going down the driveway and taking the street route proved to be a lot more dangerous than risking a twisted ankle on the grass.

All things considered, things were going pretty well.

I had my sandals on, and they were going flip-flop against the pavement instead of crunch-crunch on weeds and little purple flowers, and then I reached the box. I reached in, was about to grab the wad of ink and glossy papers, and that's when I noticed it. The soccer mom van that was supposed to be turning in next-door wasn't slowing down for the turn-in. At all. And then I realized where I was standing, and where the van was actually headed.

Both places matched, oddly enough.

I don't usually have soccer moms out trying to kill me. It's just not done. Not right. But this one was obviously out with a vengeance, and had no problem with running someone over.

This, though, turned out to be the perfect time for me to put my newly discovered Osmosian powers to good use. Well, at the time, maybe I didn't quite know that I had them, but I decided it was worth a shot. My hand was already right on the mailbox, but if I absorbed that matter I'd just be hard plastic - sturdy, yes, but that would still only mean I'd be scattered in little pieces in about six seconds.

So I went for the next best thing, and maybe I dove right into the van's path.

I wasn't going for a "get it over with" moment, though it might have seemed that way. I landed in a shoulder roll and just as the van was barreling down on me, I pressed my hand to the manhole cover in the middle of the road and waited. And just as I figured I'd just gotten my last 60 feet of exercise, I felt the steel cursing through my veins. Then, BAM. Instant soccer mom van flipping through the air.

(In case none of you have any knowledge of my apparent family history, Osmosians have the ability to absorb pretty much any matter or energy and use it at free will. If one absorbed matter from that wall over there, he'd now be made of plaster. Be jealous.)

I stood up, all made of steel and looking pretty awesome. The car had a huge, human-shaped dent in the front, and was now in a heap on the side of the road. Yeah - it worked. It always works, but don't try it at home. I willed the steel to melt away and returned to my human form and went to get the mail. I'm not entirely interested in what raging Soccer Mom wanted to kill me for.

I returned to the box and started the trek back to the house, grass route this time.

Junk mail. Of course.

Or maybe it was all just my imagination...

- your most erratic hero 

(Fun Fact: If any of you know Ben 10, you'll be impressed to know that I walk the length of one Way Big just to get the mail. Yeah, uh-huh.)

"Cordially Introducing Your Host"

Here we are. That awkward moment when you create a blog and come up with absolutely nothing to write about.

Of course, we all know what should happen. I post one little word and suddenly this blog becomes the most popular thing on Planet Earth (not even including all those other planets who are sure to fall fast for this thing, I assure you). I'll become rich and famous over-night. I'll build a time machine and go back and tell that one lazy Mayan to finish the calender and stop the world from ending. And then I'll become richer and more famous for that too.

But, then again, I'm just a kid.

Or am I?

Well, yes. But maybe I'm some unnamed superhero you've just never heard about. What, you've never read my comic? Shame. Oh, well. Not getting rich and famous off that career. What I should be is a villain, because they often turn out rich, but when my parents let me play with fire and mingle with the likes of Kingpin is probably the day the world goes kapoosh.

Zombie apocalypse or not, so not going to happen.

So for now, imagine me as you like. That anonymous person behind the computer, the stick figure with the Image Not Specified sign for a face. The superhero you've kindly ignored, who has probably saved your butt more than once (that gum you almost sat on that mysteriously disappeared?).

Just whoever.

Welcome to my life, mortals.

...Or, at least, how it should be.

- your most erratic hero